fun diamond jokes
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Men who wear ear-rings are reckoned to make good husbands because:- |
- They have experienced pain.
- They have bought jewellery.
| An American lady entered a jeweller's and said "You sold my husband a
diamond ring yesterday but it's the wrong size".
"No problem madam, we can adjust the finger size easily".
"Oh, you don't understand, you sold him a five carat size, and I take a
ten carat size" |
some jokes found at 24carat.co.uk
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Fiona came from a nice family, and had recently started her first job in a
jeweller's. She was very interested in all the different gemstones, and
wanted to learn how to identify them.
One day whilst helping to clean the
stock, she came across a ring with dozens of stones in it, every one a
different colour.
Fascinated, she asked the owner why they were all
different, and he carefully explained that it was an "alphabet"
ring, guaranteed to contain every letter of the alphabet at least once. 
Being keen to put her new-found gemmological knowledge into practice, she
started to study the ring, to try to identify all the different stones.
Because her name started with "F", she expected to find a fire
opal, but couldn't, and she mentioned this fact to the jeweller. He replied
that fire opals were a little too soft to use in rings, but it wasn't
necessary for the stones to start with a particular letter, it could be
anywhere in the name.
After another ten minutes, Fiona could still not find
an "F", so she tackled her boss about which gemstone contained the
missing letter. "Sapphire, of course", he said (many jewellers
seem to be a bit week on their spellings). "But there is no
"F" in sapphire", said the well educated Fiona.
"Oh, it
must have dropped out in the ultrasonic cleaning tank", said the
jeweller.
|
| Customer asks her jeweller what a G colour, SI clarity diamond looks like.
"Buying or selling, madam"!
|
| Guy to Babe in bar, "If I give you this 4 carat D Flawless diamond
solitaire from Chard the Diamond Ring
Designer, will you come to bed with me?"
"Sure thing," says the Babe.
"Well how about if I give you this CZ ring from Argos?"
"Get lost" says the Babe, "what sort of girl do you think I
am?"
"We already established that", says the guy, "now we're just
trying to negotiate a sensible price!"
|
| "Goodness, what a beautiful diamond ring you're wearing Miss
West!"
"Goodness had nothing to do with it!" replied Mae.
|
| "Rachel, darling, how wonderful to see you after all these years! My
life, what an incredibly large diamond ring you've got. Is it a very famous
diamond?"
"Oh yes, Hermione, it's the famous Bloomenstein diamond, but it's got a
curse with it".
"Really, what's the curse?"
"Mr. Bloomenstein, of course!", says Rachel.
|
| "Do you do ear-piercing?"
"Certainly, madam, while you wait!"
|
| "Your poster claims that ear-piercing is completely painless, is that
true?"
"Certainly, madam, I've done thousands of piercings, and I've never
felt a thing!" |
| Lady in jeweller's, "What type of engagement ring is the best
investment?"
"Long term or short term, madam?"
| "You've seriously upset Mrs Ponsonby-Smythe, young Johnson,
telephoning to ask her when she intends to pay for the two carat solitaire
diamond ear-rings which she chose for herself and collected last week. Her
husband bought her £100,000 engagement ring from us, for their first
anniversary, he forked out £60,000 for her eternity ring, for her birthday,
he gave her that wonderful six-figure diamond necklet with matching
bracelet. Don't you think you should have used a little more
discretion?"
"Well sir, Jones the accountant did say she's £50,000 in 'er
ears!"
| "Did you here that Caprice Bourret phoned us for a quote to have both
her nipples pierced, and the manager quoted her £1000!"
"Really!, what happened?"
" Unfortunately, her manager phoned back to say that Asprards had
offered her more!"
| A young woman walked into a jeweller first thing one Monday morning,
handed a large impressive solitaire ring to the owner, and asked could he
"just tell her whether this is a real diamond or not, and is it worth
having valued" as a very good friend had given it to her over the
weekend. The jeweller could tell without from a distance that it was only in
a cheap 9 carat gold mount, and a quick look using an eyeglass not only
confirmed this, having a "375" hallmark, but also revealed a
"C.Z." stamp, so was undoubtedly a cubic zirconia.
The jeweller relayed his opinion to the "customer", who promptly
burst out into tears, wailing, gnashing of teeth, and other hysterical
behaviour. After five minutes she had recovered her composure sufficiently
to further quiz the jeweller, "How can you be so sure after such a
brief look, you haven't even tested the stone", she said accusingly.
"Madam, from years of experience, I can tell diamonds from fakes
without using a diamond tester, they are only used by amateurs, it is only
in a 9 carat mount, and nobody in their right mind would set a high quality
4 carat diamond in such a cheap mount, it's also stamped C.Z. inside the
shank, so please do not call my expertise into question, especially when I
am giving you free advice", replied the long-suffering jeweller. At
this the woman burst back into uncontrollable sobbing, and it took several
minutes before the jeweller could manage to communicate with her.
"Well, dear, don't get so upset. As you were given it, you haven't
suffered any financial loss. If this were a real diamond ring it would be
worth £40,000 or more, at least you haven't bought it on ebay for £20,000;
if you had I could quite understand you being so upset, but as it was only a
gift, then really you have not lost anything," he tried to console her.
At this point she snatched the ring from his hand, and snarled "You
clearly don't understand the seriousness of the situation! I insist you call
the police immediately."
"Why?", said the puzzled jeweller.
Isn't it obvious?, said the woman, "I've been raped!"
| Actually, we heard a variation on the above story, in which a known
prostitute went into a police station to report a rape. The desk sergeant
reminded her of her profession, and asked how it happened, and in reply she
threw a bounced cheque onto the counter, saying "There!".
| A tramp walked into an upmarket jewellers and stood there scratching his
backside. The manager approached him and asked him what he thought he was
doing. The tramp pointed out the sign in the window, saying "Come
inside and pick your ring in comfort". |
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All jokes provided by chards
521 Lytham Road, Blackpool, Lancashire, FY4 1RJ,
England.
Telephone (44) - (0) 1253 - 343081 & 316238; Fax 408058; E-mail:
enquiriesATchards.co.uk
URL : http://www.24carat.co.uk/index.html
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