a diamond is forever

Of all the ways to blow a couple of months’ salary, I’m hard pressed to think of one stupider and yet more socially encouraged than getting your sweetheart diamonds. The sales figures aren’t out yet, but I can’t wait to see how many people were suckers enough to do it over the holidays.Diamonds Are a Git's Best Friend

Don’t get me wrong. The more visibly expensive the present the better, as far as I’m concerned. But diamonds are one of the most boring decorations you can dig out of the ground and process at huge environmental and human cost. And squandering $5,000 on them when you could buy me (for example) a motor scooter instead is inexcusable.

There’s no instinct making us value diamonds. We do have an instinct to display our wealth: the historical rarity of diamonds made them a useful way to do so. However, as they got more affordable and imitations indistinguishable, they lost that use. Diamonds aren’t about aesthetics either. People who claim otherwise are claiming the standards of a magpie. I love magpies, but I find that hard to believe.

No; diamonds are about insecurity. They’re about being whipped.

People who buy people diamonds know it will thrill the pants (figuratively or not) off the giftee, and are insecure in their ability to thrill those pants off some other way. People who ask for diamonds are insecure enough to want a demonstration of affection that words or useful presents like motor scooters can’t provide.

And as for people who buy themselves diamonds... well... are you good enough? Are you smart enough? And doggone it, do people like you? And do you realize Al Franken was only funny because incredibly insecure people like you are so damn easy to make fun of?

Something else is about insecurity: advertising. The two are directly connected because the diamond industry has a phenomenal marketing machine, currently in overdrive as it struggles to keep these fucking boring rocks relevant.

Take, for example, the marketing fall-out from Blood Diamond. That movie focuses harshly on the trade in African conflict diamonds sold by groups of militants seeking funds to overthrow legitimate governments. It premiered December 8 and started drawing critical accolades for some of the cast right away.

The pre-Christmas release of the movie was timed to put it into aggressive contention for the Oscars, a strategy that distributors often employ during that high-traffic time at the cinema. Unfortunately for the diamond industry, that's also a high-traffic time for jewelry stores. And, according to Advertising Age, the fear was a film focusing on the rotten side of the industry could hurt holiday sales badly.

In stepped the World Diamond Council (WDC). It launched a high-profile cross-media multi-million dollar “education” campaign with the help of respected spokespeople like Nelson Mandela, pushing the idea that a reformed diamond industry is in fact a boon, not a curse, for Africa.

Besides the “education” campaign, the WDC has also requested that Warner Bros. add a disclaimer to the film stating that reforms like the Kimberley Process  have stamped out most of the trade in conflict diamonds.

The filmmaker, Ed Zwick, has refused. And industry watchdog groups, while agreeing industry controls have drastically cut the trade in conflict diamonds, nonetheless claim a higher percentage of them remain in circulation than the WDC admits.

One might also ask, considering the nature of some diamond-exporting countries like Guinea and Zimbabwe (who also participate in the Kimberley Process, along with a few other choice specimens), if buying diamonds from corrupt, murderous legitimate governments is vastly morally sounder than buying them from violent, murderous militant groups.

A marketing toughie, no? Well, that’s not all the education that went on this past Christmas. According to Brandweek, an "educational" body of the De Beers Group called A Diamond is Forever set out to teach men what a great way diamonds are to communicate their love to their partners during the two months leading up to the holiday.

The campaign, whose tag was "This Christmas, say everything without saying a word," was rolled out on television, online, radio and print. The television ads ran during male-demographic heavy news and sports programming as well as primetime. For the first year, they ran on TiVo as well.

Wow. Without saying a word. For a moment, let me assume that the marketers behind A Diamond Is Forever don’t have a skewed view of human organization. And let me write a few consequent motherly words.

“Educated” gentlemen, I understand you sometimes find it difficult to communicate your emotions. But if she needs diamonds to feel validated by your relationship, she doesn’t deserve you. Same works cross-wise, ladies. If he can only express his emotion for you by buying you diamonds instead of telling you convincingly he loves you (or buying you a motor scooter that has “I love you” decaled across the chassis), he doesn’t deserve you.

 
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And finally, ladies who only feel validated by diamonds and gentlemen who can only express their emotion by buying diamonds: good news. You actually do deserve each other. But the world doesn’t fucking deserve you.